It is very early Sunday. Then it will be Monday, then it will be Tuesday. Obvious statements right? Well yeah, but the point of them is how long those days will seem to me. I know this because of how long the last two weeks have been for me…ever since I heard the word “lymphoma” from a highly respected specialist in his field. Once those words echoed through my brain a bit, time has almost stood still. I’ve been stuck in fear of a couple tests, a surgery and then (now) who only knows what is yet to come. I’ve been reading, trying to learn the how, why and “what if’s?” I’ve had all the talks with my mom and my boyfriend. Nothing is confirmed, luckily so…but in my head for these moments…the not knowing is close enough to a “temporary cancer sentence.”
For now, I can’t catch a moment of peace lost in forgetting…because of the massive wound on my neck (healing; yet still very bruised, swollen and painful stitches) of the dissection/biopsy. I get ready to take a bath, and look in the mirror, and within minutes I have a stream of tears falling down my face. I see these masses still left to deal with, no matter the outcome. I see the drama of a phone call coming in on Tuesday afternoon confirming my worst thoughts…and once again, being left all alone. Although my mom has been amazing, she either doesn’t fully grasp how scared I am and how much pain I am in…or she’s just trying to not baby me too much so I don’t think the worst. Either way, it’s not having a positive effect on me. I just end up in my room, alone, sad, scared, more scared than I’ve ever been, feeling rejected, annoying, in the way…and did I mention…ALONE!!!!
I have the worst luck with Holidays at the end of the year. Seems someone always dies or something horrible happens. It’s made it almost impossible for me to look forward to this time of year. But I still do. Sure I want some presents. But I also want to see the expressions on my mom and Pedro’s face as they see the thought I put into their gifts. I look forward to all the lights, the snow, the smell of the snow…the feel of the snow. Snow makes me happy!!! One of the few things, pure as it is that does make happy. I’m the same way with water (except when it leaks into our basement of course.)
I’m scared of money, chemo, radiation, losing my hair, my dignity, left with a neck full of scars. It’s not like I don’t have enough skin drama to last 10 lifetimes already. I’m scared of getting better just when we run out of money and then having to leave our home. I’m scared of what if this potential cancer is really small lumps broken off from a larger mass in my abdomen. That’s kinda the way lymph node cancer can work. What if I’m going to die??? What if I want to die?? What if I’m done???
True. The word cancer is not a known issue yet. But for me; it’s my life, it’s my neck, and I don’t know what the hell is wrong…but something IS seriously wrong with the way I’ve been feeling lately!!! I don’t smoke. I never smoked; all but a little stoner stent in my mid to late 20’s. I’m 35 now. I hate that my mom still smokes. I understand her nerves and the addiction. But it’s like risking my life all over again. Even if I get a clean-ish bill of health this time…what about next time??? I have a very weakened immune-system. This is something she and I need to understand does come with some very serious risks. Sadly I am more likely/prone to catching certain illnesses…and that does include, cancer.
My throat still hurts so bad from that breathing tube used during the surgery…as does my lower lip still too…OUCH!! It feels like sandpaper about 75% of the time. Now with the heat being on so high, it makes the air dryer and makes my throat hurt even more. My neck looks so much worse than the picture I posted a couple days ago. It’s all purple/yellow now. It’s also so much bigger. Luckily the last bandage has not fallen off yet, because I’m not really ready to see what’s underneath yet. It hurts to lay comfortably. It hurts to turn my head in certain ways. It hurts when I sit still and do fucking nothing!! But just like my Fibromyalgia…I’m expected to bounce right back. My feeling are very hurt by some of this. Everything with me in the last two-three full years has been full of fucking hurt!!!
With Fibromyalgia generally comes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS is fairly self-explanatory; sometimes you’d almost rather die than get out of bed and function because of the insane fatigue. But even b4 the surgery, I felt much, much worse recently. I’ve literally not done anything fun or casual in the last many months. I’ve been to doctors and hospitals and that’s all. I went to the Apple store twice to get my new phone (which I needed) and the AppleCare for my laptop. And during both those instances, by the time I got back to the car….I could barely breath, I was so sore and dizzy…I felt scared, shaken and again….ALONE!!!!
So take me now, with all the above…add in the vicodin (that is seriously needed for this kind of pain) and I’m utterly useless!! I’ve managed to do a few things. I wrapped another present this weekend. I made some tea and toast for my mom. I’ve taken care of my animals. I’ve kept up with basic grooming. Other than that…I’ve just been sleeping. The more I sleep…the closer I come to the countdown of the phone call from the Otolaryngologist. His news will determine so much of the Kimberly I will remain or that I will become…good or bad.
If it’s not cancer, and I can painfully still have the remainder of these lumps removed…I’d actually almost be semi-satisfied. I do want them gone, so my head looks more…normal!! So I have hope that after the healing of that, I could get back to doing some regular things again and having some of my depression lifted. But, if it’s the other kind of phone call…I will most likely stumble to the floor and not do anything for myself anymore…because what is the point?? I’ve had too many illnesses. First my skin, then my mind, then my body…and now my body even more so. I feel so sick. I’m in so much pain. I’m so scared and I don’t think I can take much more of this.
My mom and boyfriend need to work during the days. They need to sleep at night. And they need some chill time to themselves in the evening. I understand that (to some degree…or I really try to.) But where does that leave me?? It leaves me…ALONE!!!
…and these are the genuine FEARS twirling around my brain at a non-stop speed…that nobody seems to understand ;c/
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