With all the crazy things that have happened in my life over the past two and a half years, my life has been a whirlwind of problems and emotional baggage I’ve still been trying to sort out. I usually don’t notice this between Calculus problems and washing dishes, but some days I have the rare moments when everything becomes clear and I can see how much I’ve changed, usually the for the worse; today I had one of those moments.
My boyfriend, after being laid off from Midway Games, and then a 6-month stint at a financial company (which made him miserable), he is finally back to doing what he loves: working in the video game industry. At Midway, he was in a group that kept relatively normal hours, so his current job was my first exposure to the insane hours that most people in video games work. I was pretty lonely already, being home with the cats all day, my friends still in school, but these hours have brought me to a new level of misery and loneliness than before. I’ve been going crazy, making demands of him that he be home on time at least one night out of the week, and being mad at him when he ends up having to stay late. And then today, when I was venting to my mother on the phone, it occurred to me “where did all this come from?”
I could just say that it’s my trust issues or abandonment issues causing internal turmoil, but that doesn’t quite sit with me over this issue. My boyfriend is the only man in my life I’ve never had to worry about losing (except death) and I know he’s not trying to deceive me, but is optimistic about when he’ll get out of work. So what is causing all the pain I feel?
I’ve realized that during all the horrible luck and illnesses I’ve had that I’ve become too attached to him. I used to be such an independent, care-free person, and now after years of needing his compassion and care for survival, I’ve forgotten how to live without it. I’ve decided to break away a bit from him, start doing some of my own things again, being more of my own person.
I feel in some way, this will bring us back to where we should be. When we first started dating and I had my plans of being a writer (now on hold while I sort out brain fog), in that time before my life had been tossed around, I remember thinking we had the perfect relationship because we could both be separate and together. It was the perfect relationship for both of our careers and it was the perfect relationship for the wild-independent me that needed both distance and intimacy.
Starting tomorrow I’m going to try to go out and explore the world, try new things, meet new people, and hopefully recover that small part of me that got left behind. This is going to be difficult since fibromyalgia does it’s fair share of keeping me feeling sick and indoors, but there is also the small hope of diminishing the spell fibro has cast over my life by slowly reclaiming the pieces of my myself it stole.
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