No answers at the doctor today. Just sincere apologies that there isn’t anything he can really do because my insurance doesn’t cover anything and fibromyalgia is still being researched. I explained how I feel this is ruining my life, the headaches, the fatigue, the anxiety the depression. That I’m having trouble working swing shift because I get tired so easily. Plus…switching from AM schedule taking care of Claire..to weekend schedule on swing shift has not bee easy for me lately. I want to quit because I’m so tired and haven’t been getting ANY homework done. Yet, I know we need the money and I have just giving up. I’ve found some other jobs to apply for, but I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle the long hours or a demanding job. What job isn’t demanding? I feel rather lost and alone, I expected to be better after this last surgery and I was doing ok for a while. Why all of a sudden does this come on? I’ve likely had it for years, but was it the stress I went through living in Eugene? I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to do.
I beleive I’ve tried it before and it gave me side effects, but I’m going to try and take a low dose of some seizure medication (Nerotin?) that is supposed to work neurologically. I went to a pain specialist about 7 years ago in LA and they put me on it (or at least I think that’s what they gave me)…it gave me severe insomnia. Yet for lack of any better options I will give it a try again. Nothing else is going to be approved and if they can’t find any other conditions then I’m pretty much screwed and left with fibromyalgia.
At first I thought I was ok with another diagnosis, but now I’m not so sure I am. I’m angry. I don’t want to live this way. I want to do the things I want to do, I don’t want “taken care of” and I don’t want to be weak, tired, have headaches and constant pain. Am I getting an option in this matter…no. I’m not a hypochondriac, it’s not a mental disease, I’m not crazy, these things are real and my doctor believes me. Yet, there is nothing to be done.
I’m anxious about how people will view me with another chronic illness that will never go away. I in fact don’t even want to tell anyone. Yes, I’m sort of announcing it to the world on my blog, but hey…no one reads this.
It’s really hard to keep going right now.
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