i hurt weird...

One day I kept a journal of every symptom and every pain that I felt. It turned into quite a time consuming project and I discovered that the list of weirdyness that I have ‘learnt to live with’ is an extensive one. And when I say ‘learnt to live with’, what I really mean is ‘learnt to keep to myself’ No-one likes to hear moaning about aches and pains all day long, so I keep it to myself and to be honest I sometimes fear no-one would believe me anyway because some of the weirdyness is just plain, well, weird.

I ended up with quite a list of different types of pains that I experience on a daily basis and wondered if they were a typical representation of Fibromyalgia symptoms or just more mystery m weirdyness… i’m still learning.

I came across (and when i say came across i mean found, although it was rather exciting) this  – The 7 types of Fibromyalgia pain and was astonished to find that our lists were very very similar!

The first three types of pain listed were the clinically defined (ie: your doctor will believe you have them)

• Hyperalgesia – those wacky neurotransmitters amping up the pain reception in our brains
• Allodynia – when the skin hurts to touch and mild pressure causes pain due to central nervous system sensitisation
• Painful Paresthesia – unusual nerve sensations that can feel like crawling, tingling, burning, itching or numbness

The next four were of the authors creation, that is, she named the pains that ail her most. These too were so similar to the pains that I experience – I even had names for them In my head! and I could tell right away from her names the kind of pain she was describing.

• knife in the voodoo doll – (i somewhat less creatively just thought of these as the stabbing pains) fairly self explanatory – it feels like someone is stabbing you in random places throughout the day. Sometimes they are using a knife, other times something very sharp and pointy, something hot, or a spear.
• randomly roving pain – (i used to wonder ‘how can pain be contagious and spread throughout my body?) these pains just don’t make sense. Legs one minute, hands the next, butt, guts, head: they can show up anywhere anytime, unannounced and uninvited.
• sparkler burns – (i think of these as ‘exploding nerve endings’ cause that’s what they feel like) small pin-pricks of pain that happen suddenly and last just a few seconds but can be quite intense. They are not on the inside like the other pains but feel to be right at my nerve endings.
• rattled nerves – (it’s that mystery, spooty-symptom-award-winning thing I had no name for!!) this is when my body becomes physically and emotionally drained, with full on sensory overload. Noises are confusing and too loud, movement makes me nauseas and disoriented, my body aches all over and I want to sleep immediately, my nerves are on edge and small panic attacks strike causing my heart to race, light is unbearable and the only way to feel better is to rest immediately in a dark quiet room. It also helps to talk to someone who can calm me down, soothe my nerves and reassure me. At these times I find it really important to remind myself that this is something physical i’m dealing with -nerve endings and neurotransmitters fricking with my body – because it’s all too easy to think it’s a mental problem and start wondering if i’m going crazy, which in turn amps up the anxiety attack even further. sweet.

These things are so difficult to explain and yes i’m painfully (haha) aware of how whiny they sound but honestly all I can say is that they are both very REAL and very HURTY. I mostly keep to myself what I am feeling, unless it is interfering with my day. I try not to talk about the aches and pains and weirdy feelings but clever people will know something is going on despite my insistence that i am ‘fine’. Some people don’t understand and when I say ‘tired’ they think they know what i mean. When i say ‘hurt’ they think they know too, and when i say ‘i need to sit down’ they think i can wait and don’t understand that no good will come from me being upright if i’m having an attack of intense weirdyness. It’s okay, I don’t blame them for not understanding, it’s a rooted-up thing to try and explain and understand. It just saddens me that I’m alone in it. Alone with feelings that I can’t express, can’t fix and can’t expect anyone to have sympathy or make allowances for.

Pain updates:

After 3 weeks of taking a Magnesium&Calcium supplement each night, I stopped. Trusty is going to be so proud of my scientiffical speriment:) -I stopped taking it for two weeks to see what happened and here are my results (please keep in mind that i suffer brain fog, therefore i forgot that i stopped taking it, only to remember 10 days later causing an aha! moment of realisation;)

1. muscle cramping was back, worse than ever. I had random muscle cramping, some that even did damage to my muscles. Uterus, bowel, legs, arms, feet, hands, my neck had a spasm that it is still recovering from which strained my trapezius muscle on my left side.
2. insomnia also back with a vengeance. Sleep was very difficult to achieve. Very.

I’m back on my supplements now:) and can report a definite improvement. I am getting to sleep more easily though i still sleep lightly and startle easily and my sleep is often non-refreshing. The muscle pains have eased and though it may be coincidental and i realise magnesium is no cure, I really do believe it helps relieve the pain. Plus, magnesium baths are just so yummy:)

In other news, my trapezius is recovering:) though in a very bizarre way – as the muscle pain and cramping eases, the Allodynia pain intensifies and spreads. I am almost at the point now of  phoning my doctor and begging for some neuro-transmitter-blocking-type-poison-medicine, it just hurts.that.much. My neck, shoulder, upper arm, back and front on my left side feel severely sunburnt and bruised. Like, severely. It hurts to touch and having my clothing rub against it is excruciating.

the end. m.